Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Computer center on one certain day

In winter 1994, I met a little girl (refer photo on the right) on a night train journey. I was very bored and since I was just 5 years old I liked stories. The little girl offered to tell me a story on conditions that I put the story in my second post. At first I hesitated because I did not know what a blog or a post was back then but anyway I asked her what the story was about anyway.

She told me that it was about 6 people in a computer center set in one day, she said it was the day,the day they received an email, an email from God. (some Greek god probably)

All but one of them considered it as spam and deleted the email. The next day they died of small-pox but only one of them stood patient among them all, he read it with faith or out of joblessness and he survived (survival of the fittest). It happened that god offered to meet him and answer all his questions as in an interview.

Thus I return the favour of the little girl and publish my second post.

Warning: The following post contains Adult content. So if you are 18- please grow up quickly or change your birthday like me.
Warning:The following post offers religious enlightenment. If you aren't ready yet, go watch teletubbies or something.

One day at a computer center.

It was summer, one particular year. It was very hot outside and these cheap Air conditioners probably made in China had broken down for the 7 th time that week. Good news: I and my 5 friends are playing our role in preventing global warming by having our A.Cs turned off . Bad news: we were sweating like hell and I was feeling dizzy. Sleeping on my job is not a nice option with Hari Sadu as my boss.

It was supposed to be a coffee break but the only coffee available was hot coffee and who would drink that? So me and my friends were passing the time checking the mail during the coffee break. Mary, was one of my colleagues. Her father had five children Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono, and of course Nunu (whose nick name was Mary). They were my colleagues, they had been working here before I did. I am not punctual.

I was scrolling through my mail although I did not read any. I found one particular mail with an interesting Topic, a topic that could change my life for ever. It read "Your best friend Sammy has sent you a gift. Click below to find out more" and then there was an emotionally blackmailing statement saying click yes to accept the gift and no if you don't consider Sammy(name changed) as your friend.

I didn't want to hurt my dear friend Sammy who ever he was so I clicked on the link but Kaspersky internet settings wouldn't allow me to do so. How dare a silly software stop me from accepting a gift from my unknown best friend. At that time I was really feeling the heat. I couldn't bear it. I felt drowsy but I continued any way. I killed the stupid anti-virus software from the system and went to the link again. I was really tired so I did not read any thing that followed that and I clicked on some download button in the link.

Suddenly God appeared in my computer and he offered me a chance to ask any question I liked. What a wish he granted. I could now solve all the mysteries of the world like what women really expect when they say "Do I look fat in this dress?" or what company recruiters expect when they ask "Why do you want to work for this company" or what my pet dog Shah Rukh expects when it says" Bow wow wow bow bow wow arrrrr ar ar, munyadaar munyadaar munyadaar" and so on. I had the opportunity to get to be the king of the world.

he next minute I am with god, god sitting on a sofa. He asked me to start off with the question asking. This is the actual conversation that I had with god.

Kash: Welcome god, Its an honor for me to chat with you and get all my questions answered.
god: God bless you son. Its my pleasure to be here with you and you can call me Mr G in short

Kash: So god put intro!

god: My nick is god so is my name. I live in the center of the universe. I have magical powers. I can control the entire universe.

Kash: That is it??
god: Affirmative.

So god what does it feel like to be god???
God:hmmmm....... well it has its ups and downs. I have the power to do whatever I want like I can invoke a volcano or something and I can have fun by like watching sitcoms whenever I want, how many ever times I want. I can meet any actor/actress I want personally but
Its hard work I've got responsibility.
I am the Father of the world. you must know how tough it is to achieve that.

kash: Yeah!

god: I am talking about the soul creating machine that I have to use to create souls and send them to the various parts of the universe. The buttons don't press themselves you know!

kash: So how did you manage to turn out to be what you are today?

god: It wasn't easy I had to work hard for over 45 hrs a week for 2 years but there have been other demigods who have worked for 5 years in vein. Some make repeated attempts and fail.
I ove it all to Brainvita, the nuclear energy drink. The best drink there is. Brainvita is the secret of my energy.

kash: Ok, enough ads already! Only about 10,000 people read my blog.
Any way Mr G can you tell me about your network of gods.

God: ah yes! There are plenty of gods and they all help me as my subordinates to reign this universe. I have appointed 1 god for each planet. That is the secret of my success. That is how I manage to rule your planet flawlessly, everything is so perfect in your planet according to these reports that I've received. I should be a great pleasure to live there isn't it?
Kash: Ya, ya every thing is just perfect in here.
God: Not a single complaint received from any individual from your planet.
Kash: Thats so cool!

So god, tell us more about yourself. Are you an atheist or a theist?
God: A very good question son. No question is dumb.
hmmmm...... well I have only one motto that says 'You can not make progress if you don't believe in yourself' I hope that clearly answers the question.
Kash: Atheist it is then!

--We will be right after these commercials--
--The question of the day for today is " Who is Mr.G's most favorite fictional character?" The answer to this right after the break--

5 minutes later

--Welcome back folks! and now the answer to the question of the day. We will ask god himself--

Kash: God can you please tell us who your favorite fictional character is

god: well I believe in only two mottoes.
One about that progress thingie and the second one that says 'Have selfrespect, self admiration and love yourself more than any any one else in the world'.

Kash: Woah! I never knew that we had so much in common.

god: you mean you are also a selfish self centered maniac?

kash: Lets not get carried away! I was talking about having you as the favourite fictional character.

god: Oh rite!

Kash: OK more questions for you god, did it really take you a week to make this entire universe and bring man on it?

god: Thats outrageous! One week?
Thats total nonsense!
It took only a few minutes for me to come up with the planning, research and execution of my master-piece but.....
..... I wanted to make something really special, the most beautiful creation ever to be created. Something that would make all other creations cover their faces in shame. Something perfect, beautiful having a huge load to self --weight tolerating ratio, and I thought and thought and finally created a woman!

kash: why did you change plans suddenly god?
why didn't you complete your perfect creation and why did you create a woman instead.

god: Machcha! Lost enthu da!!

Kash: Is there any way by which I can be god for a day?
You know in movies they show people turning into CMs for a day!
If you can be a CM, why not god??

god: that my son only god knows!

kash: Huh? Whatever! can you tell me one really interesting thing about your administration?

god: yes, I have only one motto in life. 'If you close a door, open a window', for example, when there is a natural calamity like the Tsunami, thats the closing of the door and I open the window by having other people send in relief to the victims and they cancel out.

kash: Awesome! god I always used to curse you when such a thing happens, now I know the truth. How kind of you!

OK Mr.G now its time for the next round, The rapid fire round.
So are you ready god.

god: I sure am!

-- The Rapid Fire round --

K: who is your favorite actor.
g: Bill Clinton. He is so realistic. especially the tinkle in his eyes.
k: Sun, earth or moon, what do you like best.
G: The moon!
k: you are racist too! Great!
Any way next question I've forgotten my password and I am not able to blog
Do you know what my password is?
G: next question
K: If you were to be reborn, If you could have one thing, you dont have, what would you want to be and why?
G: I would like to be reborn as HRD minister for India
they have a lot of power!

K: OK god who is your favorite fictional character.
G: well I have only one motto, ' If you close a door, create a window!'
I hope that answers your question!

Where Mr.G do you see yourself in 10 years from now?

G: OK let me think, a second to me is like a year to you, a year to me is like 10000 years to me, so 10 years to me is like 10 seconds to me. Math is so confusing, I give up!

K: what do you have to say about the rumors about your crush on Genilia D'souza
G: thats nonsense
in fact she likes me,

K: Sure! OK what according to you is the difference between heaven and hell?

G: they are both five star hotels where you live like kings where you can get what ever you want, but only one of them is sponsored by me. In the other one you pay for your stay!

-- End of the Rapid Fire Round --

K: OK god we are almost at the end of our show.
Do you have any personal message for the jobless people who are reading this?

G: Yes I do. Science and technology you see is only an illusion, please don't fall for its lies. Have faith in me and you will live well.
You will also win a free life (dead) time stay at the heaven.
And you my boy, if you have any requests, make them now!

K: well it has been my lifetime dream ever since you offered to meet me, to see your super-powers in action.

G: granted son! Tomorrow a 1000 more people will be born in Chennai!
So see ya son, God bless ya, bye! miss me!



Boneywasawarriorwayayix said...

lolz!!! Studd :)

ramya said...

what a post sirji!!


Boneywasawarriorwayayix said...

This is way better than uncyclopedia[:D]

Surya 'Virus' Oruganti said...

Any way next question I've forgotten my password and I am not able to blog
Do you know what my password is?
G: next question


SOMEONE censored the post da!

AKILA said...

Your humor is one of a kind. [:P]..Keep it going :)

kash said...

Awesome post man!!!
---Following god's first motto

juga said...

awesome post dude(chetan bhagat+karan johar+iitm flavour+whatever)
"god: i lost enthu da machcha "
just rocking.

Arun said...

Hey Kash..nice tat u came up with ecological conservation in the beginning of ur sarcastic blog..:P..culting the PJs from sms...this blog shows u r ready to rag ?..n inspite of ur great faith in Greek Mythology i think i have made u started believing in Bible too..:P but machaa...some parts were too sarcastic tat i was bulbing..:(..n u say 'god' without cap G but put cap K for urself..for this u shall be cursed careful!!.. n thanks for saving us all da...ill make sure tat a temple is build for u , the hero ok ??...oook

Boneywasawarriorwayayix said...

dude, did you just comment in your own post as awesome post man??

Boneywasawarriorwayayix said...

Sir 'Kash' Thika :P

kash said...

gods first motto says
have self admiration and self respect.
love ur self more than ne thing else in the world.
I m just following that!!

Deepthi said...

great post!!
u showed ur admiration to genelia thru god!

apoorva said...

ahahaha!! dats a real funny post.. ;)

ramya said...

lolz!!!! shtudd da.....

how did u manage to put so much crap :P

chorry if it hurt u.
no hard feelings plz.

PUBU said...

This is for the blog that was forced to be read.Great work Kash!!lol.And the next thing u should hope is that the RSS dont land up in front of uppi's nephews house :)

Anonymous said...

chee dont insult me man!
Pubu's friend would be a better identity.

Ninad said...

studd only !!

adithi said...

hey...haven't read such a "unique" post in a while,u seem to have put hazaar enthu into this one...
u an ardent genilia fan i gather...[:P]
looking forward to more such posts...cheers!!

Vikranth said...

what a post da...

huff!! i generally dont read the entire length of LOOOONG blogss..
but i read urs...

u have ur own unique way of writing, behavior, speaking...and everything..

keep up with the blogg...

Anonymous said... redefined hilarious with your context....and you modified my fav book...but i think you gotta use the word "GOD" in a neat way so aas to not mess up with the society....and ya.i think i told you that i like greek mythology:D...sooooooo when's your next blog???and mention of your monkey friend here;)

Anonymous said...

it was funny ....

Google said...

God Level da!!!