Friday, December 23, 2011

The art of Snoring

This post takes 5 minutes and 30 seconds to read.

You have probably heard people snoring, you have probably heard people telling you tales about snoring, you might even have heard from people that you snore. You probably haven't read any research papers or blogs that do thorough analysis of snoring. The act of snoring deserves a blog post and hence I will be stealing 5 minutes of your valuable time to educate you on the science, technology and the art of snoring. This post is not recommended for girls as it contains explicit content that they might find disturbing and also children below the age of 2 as they can't read.

A lot of research has gone into why people snore. Certain religions claim that snoring is a conversation between people and god in the night during the theta wave phase of REM sleep. Science has however not been able to successfully decipher any of the redundant waveforms of snoring. Some computer scientists claim that snoring corresponds to unary characters, ie, the number of times you snore in a day corresponds to an ascii letter. So a "hello world" in snoring would involve a person snoring 104 (h), 101 (e), 108 (l), 108 (l), 111 (o), 32 (_), 119 (w), 111 (o), 114 (r), 108 (l), 100 (d) times respectively on consecutive days. Others say snorers snore on purpose to irritate others and deprive people of sleep. This can be explained by the fact that the phenomenon of snoring has never been observed in the absence of people/technology around observing [citations not needed for anything as this is my blog. If you want legitimate content get your own blog]. As this blog is pro-aliens, we are not going to pollute innocent minds with alien mind-control conspiracy theories and we conclude this section here.

Snoring could be quite irritating for people who probably share a dormitory with a snorer as, it deprives people off sleep. Snoring could be particularly more irritating if heard from a non-stranger as one can't just put a plastic bag around the person's head to prevent the noise from exiting the vicinity, in the interest of the snorer's health. Snoring according to a TIMES magazine survey and a Mashable poll, is considered one of the best ways to irritate another person, (A post on methods to estimate the irritation ability of different tasks will be up soon) ahead of slow Internet, stepping on dog poo, spam mails and corrupt politicians. Snoring these days is considered a valuable tool by trolls to achieve their interests. In fact if there is a girl who hates you to the core for something you did, you should probably ask her to sleep with you and spend the whole night snoring to get your revenge.

In contrast, several people who are used to other people snoring, have reported that they haven't been able to sleep, in the absence of this background noise. This acquired taste could be addictive, and the absence could also deprive people of sleep.

How to snore - Snoring (acc to science) is caused because of obstructions to the passage of air in the respiratory system. One could eat a lot of ice-cream and oil to get the fat deposit on the windpipes in the nose or the throat. Some people even exercise their windpipes to develop a thick muscle to do the same. In recent days one can simply get a nose-job to deposit fat in appropriate areas. Thousands of dollars have been spent by aspiring trolls on these surgeries to boost their careers. Other techniques like recording sound and playing in loop, have been used to achieve the same effect as snoring, but with less success as, the snorer doesn't get the same satisfaction that he would otherwise get.

How to wake up a person who is snoring - Loud, sudden noises work the best. Firecrackers have been shown to do wonders. The usage of firecrackers to put an end to snoring has been illustrated in this video tutorial. One can also try pepper spraying the person spraying as it is a non-lethal and harmless weapon although the victims tend to start coughing instead of snoring as an effect. All the above mentioned solutions are temporary and the best solution to this problem is to cover the enemy's head with a plastic cover. Any intentionally snoring troll is immediately put off to sleep using this technique.

Snoring which used to be considered a normal night to night activity once upon a time, is now considered an art by the artist community. Snoring shouldn't be confused with farting which happens to be a totally different "art". Beginners often confuse between the two and there are methods(like the following method invented by yours truly) to easily distinguish between the two.

[Image above shows sound waveform for a fart, there is a long and continuous waveform which dissipates with time]

[Image above shows wave form for a snore, there is a periodic and less noisy set of repeating waveforms that continue till the snoring ends]

So in summary, a snore goes like < start > Snoooree ... Snoooree ... Snoooree ... Snoooree ... < continues > and a fart goes like < start > Faaaaaaaaaaaartt ... faaart .. fart. < end > This technique has been successfully adopted by the scientific community to distinguish between the two. Other methods such as locating the origin of sound have also been used but such smelly methods are now deprecated.

All these new ideas we have currently introduced seems to question the age old theory of Intelligent design, if god was really intelligent when he designed us, he would have probably given us the ability to shut out all sound as we do with our eyes. Since we have gone through enough discussions on god on evolution in this blog, this idea is left as an exercise.

In conclusion, if you found the post to be irrelevant or disturbing, please blame the moron who snored all night depriving the author and a couple of other people of sleep for making the mistake of using the office dormitory on one unfortunate night.

If you feel snoring deserves some recognition and probably be introduced as a sport in the olympics where one could contest for being the loudest snorer, please spend a minute of your time and sign in this petition.


Rakesh Misra said...

LOL, brilliant! :D So typically SarKashtic! :D

kash said...

Thank you :-D

Abhishek Behera said...

First time here and you are good with pun-gent art forms, especially the ones you so laboriously elucidated in this post. Will visit again searching for the origin.

Miscellaneous irrelevant praises:
1. Sarcasm is bitter. Typo in the blog header I guess?
2. The maggi noodles you boiled all by yourself and tagged Rakesh Mishra (since you are also present here as a commenter) himself from the movie Ratatouille who incorrigibly believed that "any one cook" makes me rename your blog as: Sir Kash Tikka Masala.
3. Yes I saw you wear that 'Read My Blog' t-shirt once at Gurunath. But the font size for the url was too small. These days T-shirts are made such that you can: 'Click Here' to get answers to your queries. I guess your T-shirt wasn't enabled with the latest technology for I tried pressing 'control-please' to zoom and read your url.
4. I came here hoping to read about Scabber's from the ministry of zero-losses because your Gmail status mentioned him. But I am not disappointed. Thank You.

I have been an unwelcome guest at several potluck dinners. I hope a master satirist as yourself would be kinder with jest-ures. :P

kash said...

Hey Sim!

I thought you, Deba, Raka etc had read some of my articles like this one

Sorry for trolling :-D (misleading captions)

The comments weren't irrelevant and you are welcome to comment and share :-)

Abhijit Kiran said...

Oh. My. Gawd! I timed myself and I took... 5 minutes 30 seconds to finish it...


This is a great idea! Now I know how much time your blog takes away so that I can appropriately tax you.

Abhishek Behera said...

trolling? I thought you were pat-trolling, looking for more flotsam on sea-shores like Sir Casm Newton.

Thanks for being a generous host. Cheers! :)

p.s.: Oh yes I had read that.

kash said...

Trolling = misleading you with wrong info about the article using the caption in my status message.